And the ultimate solution to all the league’s problems is to...

... move the camera in?

Yes, that’s right. Ish. Right-ish. Well, I suppose technically it won’t solve all the league’s problems, but I seriously think that it will make a big difference. Way bigger than you think some piddly little adjustment like that could possibly do.

This has bothered me forever, and before forever started, it bothered me then, too. When I finally figured out what the hell was different, I immediately had the urge to write this article. It has taken until now.

The fact is that the way major European leagues are filmed, particularly the Premiership, is waaaaaay more conducive to highlighting the speed, skill and athleticism of the players than we currently do it in MLS. Specifically, in Premiership matches, the camera is much closer to the players, and its height above the players relative to its distance from them is greater, giving the impression of looking down on them rather than across at them. The camera moves more frequently and further across the field each time it moves to keep up with the action and follow the ball. The ball is not allowed to wander across the screen, instead the ball is what forces the camera to keep working. The action cuts to close-ups of the players whenever possible to highlight one-on-one duels along the sidelines.

It looks like a totally different frickin’ sport. And a way cooler one, honestly. It also has the added benefit of making the viewer feel much closer to the action, as if they were inside the stadium itself. Think I’m a nut? Maybe. But watch highlights from the MLS all-star games against Chelsea and West Ham. We’ll call this the “control”. Then hook up Fox Soccer Channel and watch the exact same London-based players being filmed in England. MLS’ camera work yanks everything that looked special out from under them and sends them sprawling to the ranks of looking like normal humans. In front of the home lenses, they look like bloody gods.

What follows from this, and what I would dearly love to see, is that MLS players would get much the same boost from the cameras at Upton Park, or wherever. The next time you watch a Premiership game, try to mentally substitute the bright orange of the Dynamo or the blue-green of Seattle onto the pitch. I can’t even do it. My brain fails to compile the data and short circuits, because the level of potential but impossible coolness is incalculable.

The point being, a proper display of what makes these guys professionals instead of just dudes in shorts will be a part of what draws non-fans to the sport. When we watch sports, we want to be amazed. Let’s give MLS players a hand at being amazing.

On a totally unrelated note, I dreamt last night that a friend and I got lost trying to drive to Moscow (!) and instead wound up at a soccer camp where John Terry was mentoring a bunch of kids, and he invited us to come with him to his family’s nearby estate, where a bunch of us drank and talked for quite a while. Really, really nice guy.

Like, what the fuck?